


you wanted to eat up my sadness

by queerofcups



Series: love love love (love love) [5]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Anxiety, Coming Out, Established Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-05
Updated: 2017-05-14
Packaged: 2018-09-22 05:57:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9586847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queerofcups/pseuds/queerofcups
Summary: the care and keeping of an anxious lover





	1. Chapter 1

Dan’s torn up twelve napkins. Phil’s been counting. It’s a thing he does sometimes, when he’s nervous, or upset. He’s been doing it a lot lately.

Phil reaches out to put his hand on top of Dan’s. They’re sitting at the kitchen table, a rare occurrence.

“We don’t have to do it,” Phil says softly. “We’re fine like we are. We don’t have to tell them.”

Dan pulls his hand away, continues tearing the napkin into small pieces, rolling those pieces up into small pieces.

“I want to,” he says firmly, and repeats himself, softer. “I want to.”

Phil knows Dan like the back of his own hand. He knows that wanting to and doing something are two different things and he knows Dan can think up a chasm between them. He knows that it’s his job to figure out if it’s a chasm they need to cross.

“Dan,” he says softly. “You’ve torn up twelve napkins. We’ve been sitting here for ten minutes.”

Dan laughs his high, nervous laugh. “It’s not every day you come out to your parents. I think I’ve earned a few napkins.”

Phil personally thinks there’s less to worry about than Dan’s conjured up for them. Dan’s parents have been sending them joint Christmas cards for two years now and Phil’s parents already know. All of them have read the books and seen the tour.

“Talk it out?” Phil asks, getting up to go to the kitchen. When Dan gets like this, anxious and in his head, Phil knows to give him space, mental and literal.

“I can’t do it,” Dan tells him, turning to watch him go. “I _can_. We can. We are. But I can’t.”

“Your brain says no?” Phil calls out, opening the fridge. There are a few things he could  cook. He tries to decide if taking Dan’s mind off things by giving him a task would help.

“My brain says no,” Dan confirms, his voice much closer. He must have come into the kitchen while Phil was considering a bag of salad he can’t remember the delivery date of. “My brain comes to a screeching halt, and then suggests that if I tell them, a comet might actually strike me.”

Phil huffs a little laugh. He’s allowed. Dan’s told him he’s allowed, has described the abused contours of his anxiety to Phil throughout plenty of times over the years. Phil’s watched him grow from watching the world wide-eyed, trapped in own head, to considering making a video about it (“the top 10 ridiculous things my anxiety has kept me from doing?” “might be a bit depressing” “top 5 non-lethal experiences my brain said will definitely kill me?”). He’s proud of Dan.

“They probably know,” Phil offers. It’s a gamble. Dan knows they probably know. Logic isn’t incompatible with his anxiety. It just doesn’t matter.

Phil closes the fridge and turns. Dan’s leaning against the wall. His breathing is a little shallow, his hands jitter.

“They probably now,” Dan parrots. “They probably know, and they haven’t disowned me. We’ve lived together for years.”

Phil nods, steps closer. When Dan doesn’t flinch closer, he slips his hands under Dan’s jumper, rests his hands on the skin of his hips.

“But?” Phil prompts. Neither of them are sure if Dan verbalizing his fears actually helps.

“But what if they don’t?” The words spill from Dan like he has no control over them. “What if they think I’m too young for you? What if they’re suspicious of our friendship? What if they think you only kept me around because we were fucking? What if they think the only reason you helped me with youtube is because I was some fucking twink, and what’s the point if you sticking around if I’m not that anymore?”

Dan’s shaking now and Phil wonders what he did before he let all these worries out, before Phil took notice. He wonders if Dan just shook himself apart at night, breathing quick breaths and biting his lip to keep from crying.

“Who’s they?” he asks, pulling Dan into his arms.

“My parents? The fandom? Everyone?,” Dan clings a little, pressing their chests together. Phil takes a deep breath, forcing Dan to exhale. He exhales, rubbing Dan’s back when he matches the breath, inhaling deep.

They stand together for a moment, breathing. Phil doesn’t say anything until Dan’s taken several deep breaths. Phil shuffles his socked feet around Dan’s bare ones, Dan tucks his chin over Phil’s shoulder. They’re entwined now, breathing quiet deep breaths.

“You know none of that’s true.” Phil says, definitive. Dan shakes, but he’s beginning to slow down.

“I do,” Dan says “Doesn’t stop me from thinking it.”

“No,” Phil agrees. “I can’t stop your brain from doing any of the wonderful, creative, sometimes problematic things it does. I can just tell you the truth.”

Dan takes another deep breath, inhales long and good. If Phil could, he’d brush away these wriggling, frightened parts of Dan’s brain, he’d eat the sadness right up. He can’t so instead he stands with Dan, breathing with him, slow and patient.

“We’re going to do it,” Dan says finally. “I want to do it.”

“Okay,” Phil says lightly, same as he would have if Dan had changed his mind.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i did a time stamp meme and someone prompted playlist 2017 in this 'verse

Dan closes twitter and opens tumblr. He scrolls for a few minutes, chewing on his bottom lip. He refreshes the app once. Twice. On the third refresh, there’s no new posts.

He opens twitter. Scrolls. Scrolls. Scrolls.

He closes twitter. Opens tumblr. Refreshes.

No new posts.

His stomach is in knots. It’s the only part of himself he can feel, really. The rest of his body feels muted, greyed out. Absent and unimportant.

He opens twitter, hovers his finger over his notifications.

He closes twitter, opens Crossy Road. Phil had forced him to re-download it recently, delighted with the new animals the update featured.

He plays the game. Loses once. Twice. Three times.

  
After he’s lost ten or so times he opens twitter, thumbs over to his notifications.

The hotel room they’ve been set up in is great. The bed’s soft and his room is conjoining Phil’s, the compromise they’d been coming to lately. The time for asking for single rooms was upon them, creeping closer and closer.

His @s were always in shambles. There wasn’t really anything to be done about it. Today, they wanted to know if he’d be staying with Phil’s family for their vacation. They wanted to know if he’d change his icon. They wanted to know what he was wearing to playlist. They wanted to know and know and know.

Dan closes his eyes and inhales. 10 seconds in, 10 seconds out.

Phil, curled around his computer in the bed, glances at him. Dan gives him a small, careful smile. The quietness of Dan’s anxiety has never been a secret between them. Phil recognizes it, most of the time. He knows that sometimes, there’s nothing to it but letting Dan breath.

Dan tosses Phil the phone and walks over to the window, looking down at palm trees and masses of people moving from one place to another.

He breathes in. Ten seconds in, ten seconds out.

Behind him, he can feel the tiny chimes and bleeps of Crossy Road.

Ten seconds in, ten seconds out.

He listens to Phil and feels himself return to the room a little bit more.  

**Author's Note:**

> title is from bloc party's 'this modern love'.


End file.
